Simple Division.

I can’t help but get upset when I shop.

Sometimes its because I can never find anything, sometimes its because I see a thousand things I want, that work, but I just don’t have the money – but today I realized something… The “Plus Sizes” are divided from the “Normal Sizes”. And you’re probably going to read that and be like “Duh, Alyssa – why would they be any different?”

I’m sorry for the profanity, but what the FUCK is that?

If society isn’t already telling us that we have to kill ourselves and hurt ourselves to be skinny, we have to walk into department stores, in public and go into a segregated section of a store because “WE AREN’T NORMAL”. It makes me ASHAMED of myself, it makes me feel BAD about myself because I have to be seen buying different clothes than everyone else.

I preach about calling yourself beautiful, but sometimes its so hard to see that when the entire world is screaming at you telling you that you’re not. Why does the concept of a simple “Plus Sized Section” make me feel inadequate? Why can’t those clothes be deemed normal as well and be sold for the same prices in the same places?

Because society is constantly telling us we are not beautiful.

But I am so sick of that, so sick of the world TIPPING me OFF that I don’t work in this world, that I’m different, that these clothes are made for HUMAN BEINGS and aren’t MADE FOR ME because I’m bigger and that makes me SPECIAL, so special that I have my own place in a shopping mall deemed only for me and the other NON-HUMANS. I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit.

A big reason why I shop at specific stores is because I like the feel of them, the clothes give me a reason to feel beautiful and typically the people who work there are from all walks of life and no one is going to look down on me when a pair of floral pants make my ass look big.

Get on it, world.

Brands of Beautiful

I’m not sure how to explain this.

I’m always talking about self-love and promoting yourself and being proud of being yourself.
I never talk about self-hate, and how hard it is to get yourself out of that rut back into realizing that you are an exquisite creature… There is no one in the world like you.

I think it all stemmed from a comment I re-read in one of my old stupid facebook messages. I realized how sad I was, how pathetic I felt because someone decided it was their right, their responsibility to call me out on being what they define as ugly. This conjured a bajillion things in my mind. Mostly that I had already – today – thought about the fact that what this person said was true, before I even read it.

Its this weird concept that we all kind of contemplate. When someone puts you down, you’re upset NOT because you’re mad that they called you out, but the fact that you’ve already called yourself this a hundred times and they’re just bringing it to the surface. Its the shock that because you are realizing that other people are capable of noticing what you notice.

I think its wired into us, as humans, to know that we are not perfect.

For those of you who believe you are, god bless. But for those of you who don’t, accept the fact that your flaws are your beauty. You will never be the same as someone else – you think you’re uptight? No one else will be that brand of uptight. You are your own brand, so love what you market, love what you’re showing people because that is the only way people will realize you’re too strong to try and put down.

Be your own brand of beautiful.

A Million Words

Life, sometimes, grabs a hold of you and you don’t know where its going to stop and let you off.

I’m currently in the process of finishing my undergrad (what!?), I have grad photos tomorrow, I have a show to reopen and I have to:

- apply for a student visa
- look further into funding for my jaunt to NYU next year
- get my voice back to the quality it usually is

but the past couple weeks have constantly reminded me of something.
Without fail, I find myself starring at photos, lost in what I thought I was and realizing what I am. There are so many neat photos of the show I’m currently in, but none quiet make the cut because I’m self conscious… Why is that?

While I’m on stage, I’m not self conscious. This role lends to me feeling like I could literally be anybody (even a former president of the United States) but when I look at myself, I get so caught on what I think people could see that I forget about the context. In that moment, of that photo, I felt on top of the world – and nothing can change that, not a heinous photo not someone telling me that I look big, nothing. I am what I am, and I got accepted to the grad program I did because I’m good at it. I’m so tired of downplaying myself to make it seem like I’m not cocky – I’M NOT COCKY! I’m genuinely good at something, and someone took note.

Today, I remind you to be proud of yourself. Don’t let anyone else do it for you – don’t give them that power.

Be proud to be you.

Different

We are bombarded with bullying, everywhere, everyday – even as we age, bullying is something that we are constantly waring with because someone doesn’t think we are pretty enough or straight enough or thin enough.

Watch this video and tell me things in your mind don’t change…

http://www.upworthy.com/bullies-called-him-pork-chop-he-took-that-pain-with-him-and-then-cooked-it-into?g=2

I always thought that no matter what, I would be fine. I’d end up pretty, I’d grow and be tall and thin. While that wasn’t necessarily the case, I grew to be medium height and strong. Not muscle strong, but mentally strong. Although what I choose everyday to be may not fit exactly your out look… it doesn’t make it wrong.

Because I defy what society tells me to be, does not make me wrong.

Social norms were set in place because people are scared. They’re scared of change, they are scared of the unknown and they are most certainly scared of DIFFERENT.

Isn’t that why I’m writing this blog? Because I look what some people think is “different” and I couldn’t give less of a care. I’m not upset anymore by someone looking at me and thinking, “I’m glad I’m not that” because guess what? I am glad I’m this.

I AM GLAD THAT I AM ALL OF THIS, BECAUSE ALL OF THIS IS PRETTY FRIGGIN’ GREAT.

I want you to think that too. I want you to watch that video and think, “Hey, that person may have called me [insert rude name here] in high school, but I’m ten times the man they could ever be.” Today I came to my own understanding that I can’t dislike people because our beliefs aren’t the same. You’re never going to meet someone who doesn’t challenge you in some respect and if you do… God bless. We choose to love those who are DIFFERENT from us, and why not? Those differences often fit into your differences and can create a bigger and better understanding of the world.

Puzzle pieces aren’t the same, but they still fit together.

As lame as that analogy is, its true. Difference is what binds us, what gives us bounds to love someone, what gives us the understanding and capability of loving ourselves.

Our differences make us DIFFERENT (duh). But that’s what is important, because if we weren’t different, we’d be the same and the same is boring.

So what if I’m plus sized, so what if I’m wrong sometimes, so what if my personality takes up a whole room.

That makes me different, and that makes me love me.

Now what makes you love yourself?

Crash, bang, boom.

I am a very big fan of HBO’s Girls.

Like, unbelievably huge – I’ve watched first season 14 and a half times. I literally love it.

My biggest qualm with people judging it is this whole issue with people relating to each of the characters on the show. I don’t know if you know this – but that’s what TV (and this show especially) is often trying to accomplish… they want relatable, watchable characters that people want to be/hangout with/buy pot from, whatever.

My second, is this silly idea of everyone talking about Lena Dunham’s body image. I’m so annoyed by people trying to make her being nude and her being selfish into a thing. Last time I checked, she wrote the show, directs the show and acts in it; if she doesn’t get the most face time, I think that would be some sort of crime. Not to mention, why are people so mad that she is comfortable in her own body?! Why is it not okay for her to be naked, but when Jessa is topless, everything is just peachy? In what way does her understanding and accepting herself exactly how she is seen as “wrong”.

The whole thing really started bothering me when Howard Stern commented on it, and then tried to take everything back like some sort of damaged school girl trying to regain her friends. He said what he said about her body image and about the show, so why is he not held accountable for it? The article that scolded him versus his talk show aren’t exactly otherworldly different but, he maintains that his opinion was taken out of context.

That sounds like a flaming pile of shit to me.

Why is society so quick to judge a naked woman? Not a chubby naked woman, or a thin naked woman but a woman who choose to consider herself beautiful enough to love herself? Why in the FUCK does Howard Stern get the leeway he does with making people feel like shit because he describes it as, “honesty”? Believe me, if a woman said what he did, there would be hell to pay and she would be called a bitch but because he comes by his rude remarks and disgusting language honestly, everything is AOK? Bullshit, pure bullshit. Who is he to judge what talent is? He is not talented at anything in particular, anyway – so why does he have the jurisdiction to judge – especially a girl’s body weight.

A friend brought this quote to me, and I’ve become obsessed with it:

“I will never cease to be amused by people who think that telling me I’m fat will be received as an insult. It has as much capacity to harm me as telling me I have blue eyes or brown hair. All it conveys is that someone else hates me because I’m fat. It does not have any power to make me hate myself.”

While I was obviously heated about Howard Stern, the important question is the last one. Who gave him the jurisdiction to judge anyone? Don’t let someone else make you think your life is worth less because they think you look a certain way. Being ‘fat’ is relative, just like I always tell my housemate he has blue eyes and he always corrects me saying that they’re green. I think they’re blue, he thinks they’re green – I think I’m beautiful, someone thinks I’m fat. And that’s it really, its as simple as someone telling you that you are worth less than someone else, and your whole world can crash.

 

No one deserves that.

Celeb-pretty

“People always ask me, ‘You have so much confidence. Where did that come from?’ It came from me. One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl … It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see. Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.”

—Gabourey Sidibe

Now, if you don’t know who Gabourey Sidibe is… well, she’s the actress from Precious (Based on the novel Push by Sapphire).

I just can’t even begin to explain how much this quote makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

In a world where people are often quick to judge and base so much off of an appearance, it is incredibly hard to try and make yourself feel good.

I often use “X-Large Cheese Pizza” as a synonym for “feel good”. But that’s it, y’know? We all cope differently. You can explain it in anyway, but when I get upset, I eat. Who can even judge me for that? Why does what I do and what I feel make a difference to you. I’m so sick of people telling me this and that about myself – guess what… I’m realized, I honestly don’t care.

I hate the word fat more than anything else in the world. If you are close to me, you know the only times I ever refer to myself as “fat” is when I’m having an awful day and I need pity. But, otherwise its like a trigger word for me. When someone refers to themselves as fat, I instantly feel nauseous – like my ears having heard it are trying to physically remove it from my body because it rejects the idea, the notion, the word of ‘fat’.

I have been honored to have some really incredible role models and friends in my life.

Not to mention, just recently, Lena Dunham’s win of two different Golden Globes. Her speech enthralled me, I have gone on Youtube and watched it about 40 times since then.

She allows what I stand for to become a reality. She is someone who, in this modern day, rejects and challenges the ridiculous social norms about body image, love and sexuality and allows girls (who are just like me) to accept that if you love yourself, if you create yourself, this could happen to you too. The show, in itself, allows audiences to accept what she says because they perceive her as some sort of average day heroine… but to me, she is SO MUCH more. Her win was like a win for the under dogs, the girls who don’t know their beautiful and long for the stage but are treated as if they mean nothing because of the way someone TELLS THEM THEY LOOK.

One important thing that Dunham has taught me is always be true to yourself. If you allow yourself to accept what you are and be aware of who you are, then nothing can stop that. Not a thing can change what you want except you.

Don’t change a damn thing, because you’re wonderful.

WE IS WHAT WE IS.

You know what really bothers me?

When people have the audacity to scream at you while intoxicated, even though if you ever saw them in real life, you know they wouldn’t say anything.

I remember walking home from my first ever homecoming and people from a porch were wasted and screaming things like “whale” “fat ass” and other profanities at me. I just remember thinking about how little it made me feel, and how if those people were walking past me in Stauffer or a school building during the day, they would never even think about saying those words to my face.

Why does alcohol give people the leeway to make other people feel bad about themselves? It shouldn’t. There is no excuse to scream rude things at people – drunk or sober.

I just can’t even think of yelling something at someone to make them feel bad. We used to scream different types of LIVING ROOM FURNITURE at people in high school… never something mean.

How sad do you have to be to make yourself feel better by being so far away from someone to make fun of them. Not to mention, they don’t even KNOW you. What the heck is that? If you’re going to insult me, at least say it to my face so I have the opportunity to rebuttal. I don’t care if you think I’m fat, but if you’re going to say it I’d rather you be at a distance that I can tell you that I don’t give a flying fuck what you think about me.

I try to tell myself constantly that those people are the one’s who feel bad about themselves, that their insecurities reflect what they yell at me… But, it doesn’t remove the fact that it still hurts. If its happened to you, you know how much it hurts and where it hurts and it makes you feel useless. It makes you feel like nothing because they people don’t even have the guts to come to your face and tell you. It makes you feel like some sort of pariah, especially because every time it has happened to me… I’ve been walking alone.

But ever since that weekend, I have vowed to always stick up for myself. I’ve had weak moments, absolutely – where I was moo’d at, but there have also been times where I’ve confronted people when they discuss me. I told a group of guys on a porch that they were obviously covering for something of their own that wasn’t exactly ‘fat’. Not one of my finer moments but they were so surprised I had the audacity to turn around and say something to them that they just stopped talking.

We have to do that, to silence the people who think they’re better than us because of ‘superior looks’.

Confront those people who make you feel like nothing. Allow yourself to be brave enough to know that you’re worth, at the very least, an apology from someone who makes you feel like you don’t deserve everything you have. You can’t win every battle, but you can fight your hardest to make sure people know that you love yourself and don’t care about what they think.

A friend of mine, this summer, introduced me to the quote, “I am what I am”. We always use it comically… but I’m starting to use it as a justification for doing things.

I don’t think we should care about what people think anymore.

We are what we are.